Silent War

Hmmm those wonders...

I have always been one to convince myself that I don't like guys that are interested in me- the good guys. I run away immediately. When there is genuine feelings being expressed I chalk it up to me "not having the same feelings" for that person. Is this possibly self preservation? Possibly from the things I have seen- I tend to get too fearful of the good... because I figure it will go away?

The funny thing is that I remember being this way when I was very young too. I had this "boyfriend" when I was in fourth grade or so. He wrote me a letter once. He ended the letter with calling me a pet name like "sweet pea" or "pooky" or something of the sort. I freaked out. I remember the mess that was going on in my stomach to this day. I immediately thought this was not good and that I needed to not be with him anymore. I have no idea why this was my reaction at such a young age. It makes me laugh every time I think about it.

The thing that makes it so weird is that I have this same feeling every time someone that is not being a total creep or douchebag expresses some emotions towards me. This happened recently to me. Someone I know quite well expressed that they have been in love with me for a while.

I came to a point- as of late-where the last thing I want right now is to jump into another relationship. This was  before this person expressed these feelings.

Is this me self preserving again? Am I convincing myself I don't have feelings that I do? Or do I simply not feel the same?

Right now...I really don't want to run into the first person's arms that happen to come around. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to be seen as weak, I also don't want to be confused as to whether it is actually about the feelings I have for that person or rather the attention they are giving because I am alone.

I am completely humbled that this guy still wants to hear about my hurts even though it pains him to hear these things about another guy or whatever it may be. He still wants to be there for me. That is incredibly humbling. And I am not sure if that is really fair to him. I don't want to cause that sort of pain in someone else that I care for.

"I may be in love... But more importantly I chose to love... So when you need me I'll be there."

ahhh the silent wars we have within ourselves. It's a thinker.

peace and blessings all!

<3 trixierambler