Regrets

This blog will be called Random Ramblings because most of the my thoughts do not meld together or transition gracefully. I don't do anything gracefully. 

Anyhow, I was thinking about regrets today. I used to always say, "I don't regret anything in my life. If it wasn't for the things that have happened I wouldn't be who I am today." But, the truth of the matter is that there are some things that could have been done without.

There are some things that have caused my downfalls, things that make it difficult for me to not be afraid or try to control what is going on in some moments. Yes, my thoughts are sometimes irrational. Yes, my fears are irrational too. My reactions, too, are irrational. But, THAT, that I cannot change. It is part of my ridiculous, emotional, way-to-invested self.

There are a few things that have happened in my life that were not under my control. Therefore, I think my default is to try and control what is going on in my life. Whether it be a fight or what-have-you, I try to control it.

I could not control what happened with my parents. You would think that since they are still together I wouldn't think it wouldn't be okay. But, I think if it happened to me I wouldn't be able to go back the way my mother did.

I could not control the fact that two people would take advantage of me, two people I trusted.  One of them was unfortunate and upsetting. It set me back on some things a little bit. But it did not hurt that deep down.

Now to where I was trying to get the point. There is one thing that has hurt me so deeply down in my soul. This is not to say that I am not incredibly happy with my life at this point. I am on a whole new level of happiness. I have never ever been so excited for the things to come. But my heart does still hurt when I think of one certain person.

I am not sure if I am explaining it correctly. I am not wanting this person to want to be with me. But there is a part of me that wishes he would want to apologize for the way he treated me... for the way he shut me out of his life, probably forever. We were the best of friends for a while. We grew up together. We were very close. Yes, we dated VERY briefly. But I honestly never really thought about that fact afterwords. I hate the feeling I have when we are around our families together and it is SO VERY apparent that we have a horrible disdain for each other. I wish we could just be civil. I wish I could be happy for him. I wish he could be happy for me. But the fact that things are the way they are makes me not happy for him at all. It makes me want him to miserable. It makes me upset to know that MY sister is a part of his life a little bit... that he makes her laugh and she likes his new girlfriend. I hate that I love his sister like she is one of my own, but she will always have a funny feeling about me because of the situation.

I do believe this was partly my fault. I know it sounds like I am blaming him for things. I am not. I feel as though the fact that I let things get to the point that they did is very much partly my fault.

It just still hurts me. It hurts me to my core that the people in our group of families and close friends look at me and talk to me as if he didn't do anything at all. I wish I could say that writing this down will make me feel better. But it probably will not. I will probably always feel this way. But, maybe, since I don't live in that town anymore I won't think about it as much.

The number one thing that I regret in my life: That night happened.