Lady Balls

I wanted to share this phrase that I have come to love due to my new friend (an ex of my recent ex-boyfriend). She wrote a blog post about their relationship, and I felt as though it applied to me as well. The entire time I was dating and living with my ex (whom we will call  KM because I am going with her post) he treated me badly. He got upset at me making me feel as though I was the one picking fights. I was the one that caused our fights. I was the one that was at fault because I wanted to talk or know what was going on in his life. Every night we would have a fight (almost). Every night he would threaten to make me leave because HE was done with the conversation. He stomped all over me. He took away the confident, ballsy girl I used to portray. I became someone I don't know. I let him yell at me time after time. I let him call me names that no one should be called. I let him do whatever he pleased, gave him whatever he wanted.  I was emotionally and verbally abused by KM. Sometimes I wonder why? But then I realized that like S said, love makes you do crazy things. You don't know what really is going on because you care for person so much.  I never was able to say no way until the day I left. I later spoke to him and he said he was pissed to find out that our relationship was over because he thought either I would go to work and talk about it later or go to my parents and continue on in a long distance relationship. That is how much control he thought he had over me. But I left, and I drew the line.  I got my LADY BALLS back. I am happy to say that I have never felt more comfortable about having balls.

Change

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
— Marilyn Monroe

I was talking to my little sister today while she was unpacking her stuff from college. She just graduated and is moving back home. While she was doing this, she sat down to think for a second and began to cry. I was a little surprised because my sister is not one to cry. I am. I asked what about she was crying. She tried to explain to me, in little bursts of words between sobs, that she was having a hard time saying goodbye to her college years. She didn't want to leave the friends and memories she had gathered through the years. There would be nothing to look forward to and now her life would be about work and nothing else.

Change causes such weird emotions in people. Losing someone you love, ending a phase in your life; these things tend to make us go into some sort of shock. We don't act like ourselves. Some of the changes actually cause changes in ourselves.

Recently, I have been experiencing some changes as well. My relationship with my boyfriend crumbled after I moved in with his father and him. This was after I had been forced to leave my part-time job due to lack of transportation. Therefore, I am back where I had started without the relationship that was getting me through that rough time.

Now I am coming to grips with the fact that this is one of those times where it happens for a reason. The relationship wasn't good for either of us. We both need to work on our lives separately. Not that there is something wrong with either of us.

The good thing about this time is the independent, confident person I once was is coming back to life. I am excited about making these CHANGES to my life. I get to decide where I should go from here for myself. I have a few options for this time in my life.

I love options. I could go and take and internship with the writing/communications department of an environmental group in California called Global Footprints. I could stay in the Chicago area and be near my older sister and her new twin boys. I could move to Sioux Falls, South Dakota where one of my best friends in the world lives and thinks I can get a job with Wells Fargo.

Yes, change does hurt. Change makes you re-think. Change makes you change. But it is the only way to move from one point of your life to the other. I will continue to be sad for a while I am sure, as will my sister. It is not my strong suit to let go of things or, more particularly, people.  But the best feeling that comes from change is the acceptance of the change. I can say I am getting there, and so will my sister.

Regrets

This blog will be called Random Ramblings because most of the my thoughts do not meld together or transition gracefully. I don't do anything gracefully. 

Anyhow, I was thinking about regrets today. I used to always say, "I don't regret anything in my life. If it wasn't for the things that have happened I wouldn't be who I am today." But, the truth of the matter is that there are some things that could have been done without.

There are some things that have caused my downfalls, things that make it difficult for me to not be afraid or try to control what is going on in some moments. Yes, my thoughts are sometimes irrational. Yes, my fears are irrational too. My reactions, too, are irrational. But, THAT, that I cannot change. It is part of my ridiculous, emotional, way-to-invested self.

There are a few things that have happened in my life that were not under my control. Therefore, I think my default is to try and control what is going on in my life. Whether it be a fight or what-have-you, I try to control it.

I could not control what happened with my parents. You would think that since they are still together I wouldn't think it wouldn't be okay. But, I think if it happened to me I wouldn't be able to go back the way my mother did.

I could not control the fact that two people would take advantage of me, two people I trusted.  One of them was unfortunate and upsetting. It set me back on some things a little bit. But it did not hurt that deep down.

Now to where I was trying to get the point. There is one thing that has hurt me so deeply down in my soul. This is not to say that I am not incredibly happy with my life at this point. I am on a whole new level of happiness. I have never ever been so excited for the things to come. But my heart does still hurt when I think of one certain person.

I am not sure if I am explaining it correctly. I am not wanting this person to want to be with me. But there is a part of me that wishes he would want to apologize for the way he treated me... for the way he shut me out of his life, probably forever. We were the best of friends for a while. We grew up together. We were very close. Yes, we dated VERY briefly. But I honestly never really thought about that fact afterwords. I hate the feeling I have when we are around our families together and it is SO VERY apparent that we have a horrible disdain for each other. I wish we could just be civil. I wish I could be happy for him. I wish he could be happy for me. But the fact that things are the way they are makes me not happy for him at all. It makes me want him to miserable. It makes me upset to know that MY sister is a part of his life a little bit... that he makes her laugh and she likes his new girlfriend. I hate that I love his sister like she is one of my own, but she will always have a funny feeling about me because of the situation.

I do believe this was partly my fault. I know it sounds like I am blaming him for things. I am not. I feel as though the fact that I let things get to the point that they did is very much partly my fault.

It just still hurts me. It hurts me to my core that the people in our group of families and close friends look at me and talk to me as if he didn't do anything at all. I wish I could say that writing this down will make me feel better. But it probably will not. I will probably always feel this way. But, maybe, since I don't live in that town anymore I won't think about it as much.

The number one thing that I regret in my life: That night happened.